let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
