Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
