Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
