You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
