Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
