Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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