dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
