my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
