so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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