Define "chronic" masturbator.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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