When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
