I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
