Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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