Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
