the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I deserve this hangover.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
