Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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