If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
