goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
