I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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