If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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