Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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