im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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