and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
