I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
