i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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