He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
