The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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