Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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