Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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