I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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