so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was like getting head from an anaconda
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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