Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
