a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dick very happy bro
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
