I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
