does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy