also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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