OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
