living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
