I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
