Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
