when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
