So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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