I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
