I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
