I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
