don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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