Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
