Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
