The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
