I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
