hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
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