Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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