Where are you?
In a non slutty way
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
